You know sometimes I think I am a bad person. I think I get somewhat greedy or selfish. At times I think I have the best manners, etc. when I probably do not. I expect people to treat me w/ respect and then I somehow I do something to lose their respect?
I really try to be a decent person. I feel as though sometimes I don't pay attention to others. I wish I ahd the energy to respond and read everyone's blog, respond and read everyone's posts on the SF board but I just don't. I wish I could've gone to see Dante. I could not. I wish I could've at least gotten off my ass and sent his family (and him) a get well card or gift card, etc. How shitty am I? Jesus.
I wish I could be more proactive in my cousin's pregnancy but in some ways I feel as though she has abandoned me for another friend. She was my closest confidant and now I feel as though I bug her. I am not sure what I have done, but it must be something that I am too selfish or stupid to recgonize.
I vowed to be a better agent at work and at least that seems to be going well. My boss still does not respect me like he does most of the other employees. I guess I have un-earned his and others respect? It is depressing even with taking my Lexapro. I hope I am at least making my boss happy with my 2 knock and talk operations and a search warrant I am doing this week. Probably not though. I can say I feel better about the work I have been doing the past few weeks. I'll never be "super agent" or "agent of the year" (they actually don't have those awards but some agents at work are almost......revered?).
My dad and cousin (the husband of said cousin mentioned above) actually treat me like shit a lot of the time (they are very close. My male cousin and I grew up near one another and I know he thinks of my dad sorta like his dad too). It's as though they gang up on me and are somewhat mean in the things they say. What the hell did I ever do? All I ever did was look up to my dad and now I feel uncomfortable around him! I feel like everything I say or do is wrong, stupid, lame, boring, etc. I treat them with respect but I am almost at my breaking point. Maybe I am letting people walk on me and one of these days I am going to explode with a bunch of curse words and hurtful things to say. I think. Or I'll do what I've always done. Keep silent and take another hit.
I wonder if I am a crappy person. I have a dirty house, hardly any friends and I still can't seem to get anything done. Can't seem to do anything right. Speaking of that, I have to go do something for my boss at the moment that he won't bother appreciating so off I go.....will update later.
